Unicorner: Jason Boxer
The Unicorner…a special place where uniqueness is celebrated
My name is Carol (she/her) and welcome to The Unicorner, a special place where uniqueness is explored and celebrated.
I loved the idea of starting this human-interest column, highlighting a South Bay community member, specifically a person identifying as LBGTQ+ or a parent, friend or family member of an LGBTQ+ identified person.
My intention with The Unicorner is to expand each of our capacities for understanding of another’s experience as we listen to someone share the vulnerability of their journey through this world. Hopefully, our understanding will increase our empathy and compassion, and simultaneously lead us all individually and collectively to a more compassionate way to be with each other and ourselves.
Additionally, I am hoping that as this column continues with each interview and grows to include people of diverse experiences, backgrounds, races, genders, sexualities, perspectives, PFLAG will be able to continue its’ Diversity and Inclusion mission by reaching diverse LGBTQ+ individuals, their families, friends, and allies in the South Bay and offer needed support at our monthly support group meetings. We are here to assist everyone!
For the inaugural column, I am fortunate to host Jason Boxer (they/them). Just as a crisp breeze blows through an open window in a stuffy room, clearing out all the stale air, Jason has a lightness and ease of being, coupled with an eloquence of language, unexpected quick wit and understanded humbleness, cutting through what could be intimidating questions with comfort. They are 28 years old, present wise much beyond their years, identify as non-binary, use they/them as gender pronouns. When we spoke, they were looking to be voted into one of the three open seats on the Manhattan Beach School Board.
Although I have known of Jason for 20 something years, they attended public schools in Manhattan Beach with my kids, I didn’t really meet Jason until this year. Earlier in 2020, when Jason was running for Manhattan Beach School Board, they reached out to the PFLAG Board of Directors to connect. Recognizing their name, I fielded the call, sharing that as a 501c3, we are not able to back political candidates. Instead, I took the opportunity to learn about their goals and mission for the school district, get caught up on their life, shared about my family, and shared about PFLAG’s missions and goals. What resulted was a serendipitous, dare I say, heartfelt connection between us.
A couple months later, Jason reached out to me with a personal struggle; a columnist at the Easy Reader, a local favorite newspaper of Jason’s, wanted to write a story about the election yet refused to use the singular They when referencing Jason based on professional Journalistic practices. The Easy Reader wanted to continue to use he/him. I found this extremely upsetting, invalidating, and marginalizing, and, putting on my PFLAG’s advocacy hat, asked Jason if I could reach out to the publisher of the Easy Reader for a conversation. Jason seemed simultaneously surprised I was interested and very appreciative. After doing research, I ultimately spoke with Easy Reader publisher, Kevin Cody, and we engaged in open conversation exploring the singular use of They, informing him that the AP adopted its usage in its’ stylebook in March 2017, and the Los Angeles Times followed suit in April 2017. Cody suggested the continued use of he/him or the use of thon instead of they, claiming he writes for the clarity of the reader and that the usage of they is confusing. We talked for a full hour and I felt grateful to Kevin for being so open to learning about new concepts and people so different from himself. Hoping to increase greater understanding of another, I suggested an additional meeting and was very pleased that Kevin agreed to continue the conversation with Jason, and a representative from NJGJA; Association of LGBT Journalist, and myself. In that call, we four had rich conversation about the journalistic use of the singular They, the visibility of LGBTQ+ people in the press, and the ever-evolving English language. The final result was that the Easy Reader would use Boxer, (Jason’s last name) when referring to Jason, instead of he/him, or the requested singular use of They. Kevin contends he writes for clear understanding of his reader and it is less confusing for the reader to not use singular they. Not being a journalist, it was unbelievably challenging for me to rebut this case even with days of research at hand. While I was extremely grateful the Easy Reader entertained the conversation, I found myself feeling exceedingly disappointed with the response. I will say that Jason was remarkably graceful and patient with the less than affirming result. As the adage goes, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Meanwhile, it is worth mentioning here, that the race for the Manhattan Beach School Board has ended, the elections results have been certified, and Jason won a seat. Congratulations to Jason! Additionally, Jason shared with me that they have met with current school board members and have been asked with an eager respectfulness how they would like to be addressed. Jason is immensely appreciative for this approach. One could conclude that the following is either a coincidence or an evolution in a way of being in the world as a result of Jason’s presence; where previously School Board members were referred to as Mr. or Mrs., they all will now be referred to as Board Member, removing gender specific identifiers. Personally, I think it is lovely to see thinking outside of the binary box towards growth and expansion in real time in institutions such as a public-school board. Way to go Manhattan Beach School Board!
C: Can you share about your non-binary experience, your coming out story?
J: I feel as if my coming out is ongoing, especially given that the only time I had (finger quotes) a coming out conversation (finger quotes) in a Hollywood movie version of it (laughing), was only four or five months ago, so it was still very recent.
I feel like when you hear people talk about this, they always talk about, when I was 4, I had this experience with this and that. That’s beautiful! I’m not sure I had buckets and buckets of things early in my life where I was leading myself to wonder about my identity. I kind of didn’t examine it with a whole lot of direct focus until maybe college, though I do remember being an artsy, funny, silly kid, very emotional and loud, in ways I wasn’t the most traditionally narrowly minded masculine person. I did grow up using he/him pronouns, and identified that way, then I started painting my nails in 2015 or 2016 because I just had this interest in doing it, then I kept leaning into that interest. The world was reckoning with gender in a sort of mainstream kind of way, in the largest way it has certainly in my lifetime. I was just finishing college at that time.
C: What was it like to paint your nails for the first time?
J: It was fantastic! (a big smile expands across their face as they speak) I remember leaving my house that day, those days, and feeling nervous that people would see and think it was strange. I think that is sort of part of my gender expression journey so far, and every single next step, I think, OH this is the thing that everyone will be saying (gesturing and pointing away) “get out of here!” you know… So that happens every now and then, maybe not to that dramatic of a degree. So, step by step, this does feel like it can become part of the routine.
Picking up where I left off, in February of 2020, one of the last pre-pandemic things I was doing, was some canvasing work for the primaries for Bernie Sanders in Las Vegas. I was going to be there for two weeks and a friend who knew I was questioning gender said, “Why don’t you give it a try.” In Vegas, they were going around and intro-ing people, and I introduced myself saying, “Hi, I am Jason and I use they/them pronouns.” I had never done that before, and it wasn’t the end of the world! It felt pretty good when people used they/them pronouns to refer to me. I am still figuring out what it all means. Since then, I am trying to work up the courage more and more in my daily life (to ask for they/them pronouns to be used.)
I am not to the point where every single person I know, knows about it … and if I was with a group of people who didn’t know about it, and the topic came up, I would talk about it, I think, but there are some groups of people I would just kind of cruise by with it still being he/him. I am working on how to talk about it more.
C: Coming out is such a process, such an individual, personal experience, and only you get to decide when you come out, who you come out to, and how you come out. I wonder what that experience is like for you when you are in a space when you decide, I am just going to let it be he/him, and you don’t come out (as they/them).
J: I have this impulse for it to be this kind of strength test.
C: for yourself?
J: yeah, like this is something I believe about myself so I should be prouder and better at coming out every single time, and I don’t think that really tracks alongside reality. I don’t think that changes anything about me if I am not being the most all-star, visible person every single second. Obviously, I think it is very powerful and important, (pause), I think about Stephan Oliviera, he was Mira Costa GSA President ’19-’20 school year, about how radiantly powerful it is when someone owns their identity and is visible for other people. He literally empowered so many other people (to experience) I see myself in you, and that is so amazing, and I want to aspire towards things like that, but I am learning how to do it, and if I am not an icon every single time, I think that is okay. So, I try to go easy on myself. And because of the nature of being human, I think it does get easier and you do better as you go through it. I do anticipate the worst (reactions) knowing that it is unexpected and strange for people.
There is a comedian named John Early, who identifies as cis-gendered, and is super visible queer, one of the funniest people on earth. He’s talked about in a few interviews how you don’t need to have this storybook, coming out conversation where your parents weep and they hug you. The fact that you even need to come out in our world shows that this whole thing is kind of messed up. But the burden of that, not that it needs to be dramatic or storybook, just how you sit someone down to say it, gets imbued with all this drama, formality and seriousness that almost isn’t useful for you or the person receiving it… certainly it can be, every situation is unique, but that’s a question for me always. I want to talk to someone about this but I want to make it so they don’t have to shut down the rest of their day or something dramatic. Even in the moment, saying it all, it gets imbued with such drama and seriousness … it makes it really intimidating.
C: for both parties, or for you?
J: yeah, for both parties. I certainly feel it as the person saying something.
C: How do you feel about the whole concept of coming out?
J: There is something I generally want to say. I still feel like I’m still getting used to this, like “Oh, I am part of this now?” Does that make sense?
C: Absolutely.
J: My gut reaction when I hear the question, What do you feel about the concept of coming out, is: Why are you asking me? I think, Ask someone who knows what they are talking about, you know? (laughs). There are people who know quite a lot more about this than I do. (laughter)
My experience with it was a very pragmatism oriented experience and it was very formal. It came out of the need of deciding I was going to run for school board… I will add, in not the most terribly visible way, I was going to have it on my website that I am gender non-conforming and use they/them pronouns, and it would play some part in the campaign. My feeling was I would like my family to hear about it from me first and not have them read about it on the web site and be “what the heck is this”. So I scheduled 10 phone calls over the course of ten to fifteen days with all of my immediate family members and had hour long talks with them, one after another. I think there were a few days of multiple calls in one day.
C: Oh my goodness, that sounds incredibly difficult for you.
J: It was so strange… it was obviously very burdensome and challenging when I was trying to answer questions when I didn’t know the answers, but it was also so pragmatic, that I kind of isolated myself from the emotional experience.
C: Now that it is months later, do you have any feelings about the way in which that all went down?
J: The predominate experience was being asked questions I knew I wasn’t going to have the answers to. I have a family where we prove your point by getting to the facts in the effort to understand. And how acceptance and the effort to understand interact and co-exists, how sometimes you don’t have to fully understand something like this to accept and sometimes you do ... depending on the person. … Most of my family wanted to understand and said, “yeah I’m with you, and let’s figure it out.”
Jason goes on to say that the majority of the people they interact with on a day-to-day basis know they prefer they/them pronouns, use it the best they can, and respect their wishes as best as possible.
C: What does it mean to you to be non-binary?
J: It is almost an I don’t know … why I have to pick between these two options, male or female, and I don’t have the answer yet, so I (making sound “boop”) pick this new thing in the middle, this third option and embrace the ambiguity of it all, that neither male nor female feel like very specific or meaningful concepts to me, as I search and try to apply how do these apply to me, and not really deriving a ton of meaning, or a ton of things that feel fulfilling or descriptive of me. It is also exciting to me there is this range of human behavior that is haphazardly and incoherently labeled by gender, and it feels so exciting to be (grasping the air), I like this one, and I like this one, and I am going to take that one! I can have this mix of whoever I am. The descriptor of it is almost less important than just me trying to be who I am. To me it’s about ambiguity and it’s about not having every single answer about what my gender is, trying to just see the curious and interesting and, I don’t know… having curiosity about that.
C: That’s beautiful. How does it feel to have to explain that?
J: I still feel nervous about it. I feel as if I am not going to say it right, it is also accompanied by people asking well intentioned questions, but, kind of get interrogated a little, you know. That is very hard. It feels like you get alienated from yourself, and ask yourself, “What have I done? Why don’t I have all the answers? I told everyone this is who I am, but I can’t answer all the questions.” That’s really scary! That sucks. (pause)
Now that doesn’t happen every time. Some people say, “that’s cool.” One of my dear, dear friends, who also grew up in Manhattan Beach responded by saying, “this is such a gift you have given all of us to get to reflect on all of our own identities.” It was the kindest and most amazing thing! It was massively supportive.
C: What does it feel like to be an elected non-binary person in the community? Do you feel a burden in some way because you will be visible?
J: I would like to use it as an opportunity to make Manhattan Beach schools a better place for queer kids, and Manhattan Beach more broadly as well. I have these feelings of not wanting to claim all of gender non-conforming identity, especially trans identity, as like, “I’m the expert and I’m the champion” you know. I want people to know I am only able to utter these words because of trans women of color that were killed. If I am going to play any political role in any of that, that has to be a big part of it, right. Part of that is imposter syndrome and part of that is this is the full context. It is very dower and downer, but I feel like it is relevant.
C: It is very relevant, being mindful and paying homage to those who have passed as Transgender Day of Rememberance is 3 days away, on Novemeber 20, 2020.
J: And that is why people in Manhattan Beach voted for me, knowing about this, because people before me stood up in a much more unapologetic way, in way more marginalized circumstances.
Jason referenced the comedian John Early here, commenting about the concept that “a coming out extravaganza is a labor of helping everyone else understand as the product of a society that doesn’t understand yet and needs to understand to accept.”
J: Can I talk a little about if I am going to pursue some goals in terms of LGBTQ inclusion in the district?
C: Please!
J: I kind of sort them into 2 categories. Stephan, from Mira Costa GSA, was the trailblazer for the first one: Having kids be referred to as they identify. There is an unending amount of data bases, we need to have administration and staff able to navigate those things, to change a person’s pronouns, and name, perhaps in a way that maybe is only viewable to student and teachers if the parents don’t support it, having an educated group of administrators who can handle that.
The second category is getting behind the boulder of queerness in the South Bay and altering little by little, by little the culture on our campuses, where teachers have some kind of grounding in this where not only do we have contentious kids on campus who would say, “don’t use that offensive word,” we would have kids having the thought process of “why would I ever want to use this, this isn’t something I need to have in my mind.” Among that would be shaking free some traditional parts of school culture, hetero-normative stuff like prom, and culture in general, shaking it free from hetero-normativity.
C: I love it (huge smile, giving two thumbs up)!
J: That’s the mountain to climb. I think there are lots of current board members who are excited about that too, who have done some of the work ahead of me.
C: What has been your biggest challenge in your process so far?
J: My impression is a lot of people experience this, when coming out with any kind of queer identity as themselves; Am I, “fill in the blank”, enough? Am I just making a big stink about something or is this something actually a big part of me and warrants telling people about? It is just accepting that, ok, I really feel this way. And then a strange thing happened. The Easy Reader said we are not going to write about you this way, and I felt like, WOW. This was the first time someone ever really said no about this, and it really was galvanizing for me, that this is who I am! That was a very interesting sensation. It was fascinating and something I want to explore and understand better.
C: How does it feel to not express yourself through clothing the way you would want, and instead feel pressure to select more hetero-normative clothing, especially when running for office?
J: Kind of crummy, generally. The whole thing is problematic, right. It is about how honest I am about myself. I wanted to win, right. If ever my clothing would not be in service to winning, I had to think deeply about that, and that is inherently problematic. And I felt agency in it, if that makes any sense.
C: What would dressing otherwise be like, if you didn’t dress hetero-normatively?
J: That’s a great question because also all of this is happening in the context of me newly exploring these things in an outward way. It wasn’t as if I was a wild, amazing, visibly, anti hetero-normative person for years and then said, “ok, let’s put on a tie.” I was also concerned that running for office at the same time as talking about this (coming out) could have an appearance as this being a useful, cynical, political strategy. I was totally worried. This is so complicated.
In closing, Jason once again referenced Comedian John Early, saying “when you live in a world where you have to unfold, unfurl yourself as a queer person, and you can’t just live it out; It soaks into peoples’ impressions of everything you do.”
I feel immense gratitude towards Jason Boxer for their willingness and dare I say, eagerness to be interviewed. Their brazen courage and vulnerability truly takes my breath away. We are all blessed to witness their unfurling. Jason, may you live it out as you see fit. May we all!
If you have a suggestion of someone to be interviewed for The Unicorner, please contact me: carolkole.pflagsouthbay@gmail.com