PFLAG Parenting: Disrupting Gender Bias By Alison Wood, LMFT, ATR-BC
We all have biases, it’s part of being human, but our humanity also affords us the ability to be curious, aware and even disrupt the biases we experience as harmful to ourselves and others. At PFLAG we are all disruptors in the sense that we show up to change societal norms and biases that harm our LGBTQIA+ kids and community members by affirming and celebrating LGBTQIA+ identities. The fact is when your baby arrives you don’t really know anything about who they are or who they will become. We do know that the biases we hold and those we see in the larger culture related to gender, race, class, sexuality and ability will influence this baby in ways that help them navigate our society but may also hinder their development and sense of safety being themselves. We know that there are many societal norms, standards, and messages that produce biases which affect our LGBTQIA+ kids. Our households are places where we can reinforce or disrupt these biases. As parents, it’s important to reflect on how gender bias impacts the sense of freedom our kids feel to grow into themselves and then do our best to model attitudes and behaviors that support their authentic self-expression. By disrupting gender bias in our parenting, our kids can benefit from a sense of safety in exploring and expressing all aspects of their identities as they take shape. This also serves to shift and change gender norms and expectation on a broader scale as our kids become our future leaders.
To get started we must first identify stereotypes and recognize our own ideas and biases about gender. Think about what explicit and implicit messages you received about gender roles and norms growing up? Most of us are presented clear binary rules about how boys and girls, men and women should think, act and behave…how have those ideas changed or expanded over time? How have those constructs shaped you or even limited your experience? Where or when could you have benefited from greater flexibility in gender roles and expectations? Were there interests, activities or behaviors you were drawn to where you received messages that they were right or wrong based on your gender? When we notice how binary ideas about gender are all around and IN us, we can start to make choices about how we want to disrupt the bias in our own parenting actions, attitudes and environment that we create for our kids. Thinking about gender biases also invites conversation around the intersection of our identities with regard to race, class, sexuality and ability in order to better understand privileges and barriers attached to various overlapping identities. Inviting conversations with our kids about intersectional identities can help us recognize the biases we want to disrupt while teaching our kids how to embrace, affirm and advocate for multiple aspects of their identity. Secondarily, cultivating this expansive way of thinking about gender and identity for our kids can also serve to generate a greater sense of freedom for ourselves. Below are some practical parenting ideas to start disrupting gender bias:
Consider conversations or attitudes about hair styles and clothing…are there “boy styles” versus “girl styles?” Talk about style in non-gendered descriptive terms “short hair styles” and “long hair styles” etc… Purchase clothing that is gender neutral and/or from both the “boys” and “girls’” sections. Instill in kids that you can’t assume someone’s gender identity based on how they look.
Notice with your child how stores divide clothing, toys, and activities by binary gender…be curious about what they think about that. Depending on their age they may have strict, binary ideas about gender and that can be typical. It’s okay to validate their perspective while also planting a seed by noticing greater variation of gender experience and the limitations created by binary gender roles.
For young children, provide dress up clothes that invite creativity and encourage play with all gender expressions: dresses, pants, ties, scarves, tutus, hats, vests etc. Kids love to pretend to be like the adults in their lives regardless of gender. This creative play is a normal and important part of development and a way they internalize the most vital people in their lives. We tend to encourage care taking in girls and demonstrations of fortitude in boys while we know that caring behaviors and displays of strength are important qualities for all humans to cultivate regardless of gender. Along those same lines…
Provide access to all types of toys (dolls, blocks, cars, pretend play kitchen and tea sets for everyone) and don’t shy away from buying the pink toy for your boy and the blue toy for your girl. Say out loud, “There are no such thing as ‘boy toys’ and ‘girl toys’ or ‘boy colors’ and ‘girl colors’!” Provide options, choice and avoid purchases of any items informed by the idea that “you should have/want/use this because you are a boy/girl.” Children generally develop an innate sense of their gender between ages 3-5 and start to understand direct and indirect messages about “what’s okay” and “what’s not okay” for them to play with. Encourage your child to take the lead, support their exploration and delight in the sharing of what they gravitate towards. Allow your child to be who they are in the moment, sometimes we are quick to label our kids. We don’t always have to know what something is for them, we can model flexibility and acceptance of the fluidity that best supports identity development.
Give range and choice in activities and encourage your kids to try a little of everything! Support engagement in extracurricular activities of their interest and notice if there are activities being avoided because of norms around gender – be sure to encourage participation in those too. Talk about any pressures your kid may feel to participate (or not participate) in certain activities because of their gender identity.
Offer inclusive books and media that tell stories with transgender and gender expansive characters, as well as promote narratives that challenge traditional gender roles and present greater fluidity with regard to gender expression. (See our Holiday Book Guide in this newsletter or our chapter website for some great book recommendations). Encourage them to call out what gender biases or stereotypes they notice in books and media and be curious about what they think and feel about how people are represented.
Support kids being themselves and let them tell you who they are first. Use gender neutral terminology and accurate speech to help with this. Do you describe boys and girls with gendered language like “Handsome” and “Pretty”? Apply those words to everyone regardless of gender! Find terms of endearment not related to gender…think of the expression “That’s my boy!” and make it “That’s my kid!” Avoid commonly used expressions and expectations of behavior like being “manly,” “manning up,” “ladylike,” “all boy” or “girly girl.” Take the opportunity to be gender neutral in your speech when possible, for instance, referring to “the child…” as opposed to “the boy…/the girl…” De-gender words like “fireman” and “policeman” by using the more accurate terms “firefighter” and “police officer.” Notice what assumptions of gender you make when you talk about certain professions.
Provide inclusive and gender-neutral sex education. Genitals do not equal gender: “some bodies have penises and some bodies have vaginas.” Disrupt the idea that secondary sex characteristics define gender. Talk about bodies and sex using examples from a variety of experiences, identities, and relationships. For help with this, you can check out the TipSheetGenderSexualityInclusiveSexEd.pdf online from healthyteennetwork.org. or the books “Sex is a Funny Word” and “What Makes a Baby” by Cory Silverberg.
Lead by example and model fluidity of gender roles in your own home by disrupting traditional/conventional assigned by gender household tasks, expectations or behaviors. Talk about how you came to have those roles and expectations and what works for you about that and what you may have wanted to change. Share with your kids how biases about your own identity as defined by gender, race, class, sexuality and ability have impacted who you are and what choices, opportunities, experiences you’ve had. Show curiosity about their experiences and perspective on gender bias as well as intersectional identity.
It takes some retraining of our own automatic thoughts and associations to raise our kids to think more expansively. It’s a process of heightening our awareness of norms, attitudes and behaviors that often go unnoticed in the way they shape our sense of self and others. When I became a parent, I began my own process of wondering how to best engage my child in conversation about gender bias. I employed some of the strategies listed above and I also delighted in teaching my 5 years old to recite the phrase “we don’t conform to antiquated gender stereotypes.” Imagine the look on the librarian’s face when she made a comment about his nail polish and he responded accordingly. It was a marvelous parenting moment, one that became an often-shared story which generated even more conversations in our family and with others about ways we can all disrupt gender bias. Taking notice of bias creates opportunity for choice and ultimately expands our ability to authentically express ourselves and encourage others to do the same. It is a constant learning and unlearning. I am grateful for communities like PFLAG that support this process and offer a space for shared efforts in disrupting biases that harm our LGBTQIA+ community. The intention of this article is to start the wheels turning, invite curiosity and initiate communication about gender bias in our PFLAG families. Fortunately, in addition to this article, there are lots of resources online to inspire more thoughts and help start conversations about gender biases with kids of all ages.
Below are a few that may be useful:
https://mediasmarts.ca/tipsheet/talking-kids-about-gender-stereotypes-tip-sheet
https://sparkandstitchinstitute.com/how-to-disrupt-gender-bias-in-young-children/
https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/resources-for-families/5-tips-for-preventing-and-reducing-gender-bias
About Alison Wood (she/her/hers):
Alison is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Board Certified & Registered Art Therapist working in private practice at South Bay Therapy Works. Alison grew up in Manhattan Beach and has worked in the LGBTQ+ community as an advocate, case manager, counselor and psychotherapist in both New York City and Los Angeles for over 20 years. Since 2007, Alison has been providing relational, attachment-based, LGBTQ+ affirmative psychotherapy to youth and adults. Alison is a mom of two and proud bisexual. As a board member, facilitator, and member of PFLAG Manhattan Beach / South Bay chapter, Alison hopes to contribute to creating a more empathic, gender affirming, culturally humble, LGBTQ+ celebrating, and radically accepting world.